Quotes From Famous Jews

My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.

–David Steinberg


I once wanted  to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.

–Henny Youngman


Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. 

So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.

–Mel Brooks


The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish. 

–Jules Farber


Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York, you’re Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be Gentile even if you are Jewish.

–Lenny Bruce


God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn’t you choose somebody else for a change? 

–Shalom Aleichem


The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

–Calvin Trillin


Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!

–Golda Meir


Even a secret agent can’t lie to a Jewish mother.

–Peter Malkin


Humility is no substitute for a good personality.

–Fran Lebowitz


My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.

–Benjamin Disraeli


It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.

–Sam Levenson


Don’t be humble; you are not that great.

–Golda Meir


God will pardon me. It’s His business.

–Heinrich Heine


I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.

–Joe E. Lewis


Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.

–Sam Goldwyn


A spoken contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.

–Sam Goldwyn


Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money.

–Arthur Miller


I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.

–Jackie Mason


I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. 

— Woody Allen


Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

–Groucho Marx


A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.

–Oscar Levant


Too bad that all  the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.

–George Burns


Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they’ve stolen.

–Mort Sahl


I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.

–Sam Goldwyn


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