My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.
I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.
Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable.
So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.
The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish.
Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York, you’re Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be Gentile even if you are Jewish.
God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn’t you choose somebody else for a change?
The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!
Even a secret agent can’t lie to a Jewish mother.
Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
Don’t be humble; you are not that great.
God will pardon me. It’s His business.
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
–Joe E. Lewis
Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.
A spoken contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
— Woody Allen
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they’ve stolen.