My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.
–David Steinberg
I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.
–Henny Youngman
Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable.
So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.
–Mel Brooks
The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish.
–Jules Farber
Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York, you’re Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be Gentile even if you are Jewish.
–Lenny Bruce
God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn’t you choose somebody else for a change?
–Shalom Aleichem
The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
–Calvin Trillin
Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!
–Golda Meir
Even a secret agent can’t lie to a Jewish mother.
–Peter Malkin
Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
–Fran Lebowitz
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
–Benjamin Disraeli
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
–Sam Levenson
Don’t be humble; you are not that great.
–Golda Meir
God will pardon me. It’s His business.
–Heinrich Heine
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
–Joe E. Lewis
Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.
–Sam Goldwyn
A spoken contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
–Sam Goldwyn
Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money.
–Arthur Miller
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
–Jackie Mason
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
— Woody Allen
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
–Groucho Marx
A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.
–Oscar Levant
Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
–George Burns
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they’ve stolen.
–Mort Sahl
DigiDame 
I can hear my mother and father laughing at most of these too!