Aphorisms

Thank you cousin Harvey.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini women reveal 90% of their bodies . Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that!

♦ I think my neighbour is stalking me as she’s been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks … but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You’re not fat, you’re just easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ I always wondered what the job application form is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

♦ I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penney has an older women’s clothing line named “Sag Harbor”.

♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch.

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, & he was a drunk.

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