What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.
Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins? You just have to listen varicosely.
Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
I have a joke about time travel, but I’m not gonna share it. You guys didn’t like it.
What’s the opposite of irony? Wrinkly.
I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.
Got a PS5 for my little brother. Best trade I’ve ever done!
I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust!
A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb. He just can’t part with it.
You know there’s no official training for trash collectors? They just pick things up as they go along.
I’m thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events. I wonder how many people are in that field.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills? Bernadette.
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back? He was dead-lifting.
I saw Usain Bolt sprinting around the track shouting, “Why did the chicken cross the road!?” It was a running joke.
Where does the General keep his armies? In his sleevies.
How does a squid go into battle? Well-armed.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus.
A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, “I want a grilled…cheese.” The waiter says, “What’s with the pause?” “Whaddya mean?” the bear replies. “I’m a bear!”
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.
Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other, “I need you to help me get to the other side!” The other guy replies, “You’re on the other side!”
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name
Thank you cousin Harvey Oshinsky for these little gems.
Ba da bing!