I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one. 

Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response. 

Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent. 

Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought, “Their cornbread isn’t done in the middle.” 

Aliens probably fly by earth and lock their doors 

“You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens. Give it a minute… 

It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just Googling how to do stuff. 

I miss the 90’s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was. 

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be accurate.” 

I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

As I watch this new generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of…. it will be misspelled and have no punctuation. 

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday. 

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does. 

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway. That’s when the fight started.

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