Interviewers shy away from asking Susan Warner what it’s like to be intimate with a man after being widowed from her storybook marriage of 38 years. I decided to ask her sensitive questions that are often posed to me.
Let me remind everyone that longer explanations are beautifully answered in Susan Warner’s newly released book, “Never Say Never, Never Say Always.” Her answers are meaningful, insightful and poignant based on her tragic experience of losing her son to suicide, six months prior to the death of her magnificent, young husband to a brief, virulent cancer.
In episode 30 of Susan’s podcast she explains that she doesn’t suffer from guilt. She has made up her mind to continue living and to live life to its fullest- making choices that are exciting and fulfilling.
Question:
What was it like the first time you were intimate with a man other than your husband? Were you thinking about your husband during sex, comparing and making notes? What was going on in your head?
Susan Warner
The first time, and every time after that, the experience was completely separate from the relationship with my husband. I never experienced three of us in the room. I am in the moment.
Interestingly, I have had men tell me that they felt guilty. I am fortunate. I had a wonderful relationship with my husband, and I know he wants me to be happy and fulfilled. That made me want to go forward. Men have told me they felt guilty, like they were cheating. There may have been some history to their feelings, however it didn’t stop them from pursuing new relationships.
I didn’t date until over a year after my husband died. So, I was well into my journey of finding myself. At that point I removed myself from any intimacy with my husband. A year is a long time. A lot of men I know dated far earlier. Some dated a couple of months after their wives died. Distance from death helps make a difference.“
Question:
How comfortable were you and your companion removing your clothes? Was it a total embarrassing experience?
Susan Warner:
Everyone has to do what is comfortable for them. We are not 25 anymore. All of our bodies have aged. The body that you present in a new relationship is the only body he/she knows. There is no mourning of past anatomy-it is the here and now. That is freeing and exciting. Intimacy is a personal experience and can occur any way you want it to. Some men and women prefer keeping their t-shirt on or turning the lights off. Whatever the case may be, comfort and freedom is ultimately the most important.
The biggest surprise is that many men and women, who are divorced or widowed, use this period of their life to embark on a journey of sexual discovery. After you have been married to the same person for 30 or 40 years sex can become more routine. Now they want to try different things. It’s like going into a candy store. You want to look around and decide what you like. You might act differently or say new things, all without history or past expectations.
This whole new life that you and your new partner figure out is what works for you. The right companion changes everything. Personal growth is the silver lining to experiencing loss and thengrowing and experimenting.
DigiDame 